[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
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Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Are we there yet?…
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
channeling her this year
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Risking my life for fun.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I found your tweet-up…
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.