when you don’t want to be too vague
You Might Also Like
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!