I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
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Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
(yawn)
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The 4 stages of a family vacation