I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
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a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.