Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
You Might Also Like
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
My patience has stretch marks.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Money is the root of all wealth
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
💻🤡
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.