I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
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Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
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I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:![]()