I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
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5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse