Self-cleaning conscience
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today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen