ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
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*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Why don鈥檛 people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Paid my mortgage so don鈥檛 ask me to come out. I鈥檓 getting my moneys worth.
Friend: What鈥檚 with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don鈥檛 know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?馃馃ぃ
Dear websites I don鈥檛 give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter鈥檚 forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.