Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
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“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!