I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast