Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
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I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.