I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
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*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Oops
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
No, I鈥檓 not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I鈥檓 knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
scared to check what name she chose
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it鈥檚 the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
馃槻 WTF? 馃槅
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don鈥檛 have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don鈥檛 have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT鈥橲 A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN鈥橳 BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.