I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
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ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
prepare for carbonated trouble
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
*Inspirational Tweets*
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
✌️
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁