Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
You Might Also Like
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
🤣
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My birthstone is a marshmallow
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch