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“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.