My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
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Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Gemma Correll
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
The Friday File.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better