lumberjacks will cut a birch
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So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.