lumberjacks will cut a birch
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Spell check is for lasers.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Stop sending me this shit.
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“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.