At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
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excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Jail
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no