me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
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[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
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