A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Potatoes were such a good idea
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.