I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
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[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Life is a suicide mission.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
british sex workers really pound for pound