People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.