Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
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Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My beach vacation Google searches
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Ferrari squats
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.