Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
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12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
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Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
there’s probably a fee though
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”