I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
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Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.