Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
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[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*