5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
You Might Also Like
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
When you can’t find your friend Neil