Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
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NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Herpes is trending, good job people
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*