THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
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[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else