“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
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“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!