“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
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[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
the prophecies have been fulfilled
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The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
🦝🔥🦝🔥
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My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
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Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.