If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine