Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
who wants to go expliring
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.