Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
You Might Also Like
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Overindulged this afternoon.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.