When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
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Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.