When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
![]()
You Might Also Like
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
![]()
![]()
![]()
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh