When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?