Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
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There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.