I’m about to risk it all
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I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.