My birthstone is a marshmallow.
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A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.