“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
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male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
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Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
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teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.