“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
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*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.