If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
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Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.