I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
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Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
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Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
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one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”![]()
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.