Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
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We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.