Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
i wish i could marry a nap
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*