Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.