I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
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Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.