I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
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its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
“you changed” bro i was 15
This could be us, but you weedin’.
BRO LMFAO
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.