My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
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Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
every raccoon you see is currently on parole