@jlock17

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

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@CloydRivers

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

@SoVeryBritish

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

@LizerReal

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

@dreamthievin

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

@TheBoydP

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

@deardilettante

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

@panmidwest

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

@WilliamAder

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!