Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
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I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[eats all your cotton candy]
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu