I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…