I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.