Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
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Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School